EXLAWYER.COM

Who's Smoking What? Where?

2007-03-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

Here's a great frivolous lawsuit. A man is suing his next door neighbor for smoking in her own yard. Now before you get on all your "the American Justice system blows, we have too many lawyers" soapboxes, chill out. Because as much as we'd like to claim this one, and as much as it seems like this law suit would have been filed in California - nope - it's in woefully underlawyered Sweden. I guess with all those safe Volvos being driven around, the 9 personal injury lawyers they have over there have to get creative.

Here's the link in case you think I am making this up. http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/38590.html

Judicial Conservatism Saves the Day

2006-11-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

Apparently, this Judge was a strict (sandwich) constructionist.

Is a burrito a sandwich? Judge says no
AP Fri Nov 10, 4:17 PM ET

Is a burrito a sandwich? The Panera Bread Co. bakery-and-cafe chain says yes. But a judge said no, ruling against Panera in its bid to prevent a Mexican restaurant from moving into the same shopping mall.
Panera has a clause in its lease that prevents the White City Shopping Center in Shrewsbury from renting to another sandwich shop...

Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke cited Webster's Dictionary as well as testimony from a chef and a former high-ranking federal agriculture official in ruling that Qdoba's burritos and other offerings are not sandwiches. The difference, the judge ruled, comes down to two slices of bread versus one tortilla.

"A sandwich is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos and quesadillas, which are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice, and beans," Locke wrote in a decision released last week.

ExLawyer breathes a sigh of relief over what might have happened if a gyro joint had opened. Or one of those places that sell those foofy "wraps."

You Thought the Dog Lover Story was Bad?

2006-11-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

Many people ask the ExLawyer what kind of case would it take to get him back into court.
This is not that case.
Naked man arrested for concealed weapon
November 4, 2006
EL CERRITO, Calif. --A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors -- naked -- and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.
The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

"You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.
Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.

Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon.

Yeah, that's not the case. But it's close. Don't you think the cops overcharged a little on the concealed weapon count? We all know why the tool was where it was. Read the story again.

"Bay Area Rapid Transit Station..."
"...paroled from state prison last week."

Concealed weapon, my ass! Well his ass, actually. Poor misunderstood Johnny wasn't using that tool as anything other than... well a tool. Case dismissed.

Michigan is for (dog) Lovers

2006-10-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

With apologies to the Commonwealth of Virginia's old tourism slogan, Ex has to say that Michigan is also a great state for lovers... of dogs.

It seems a man who lives near the metropolis known as Bay City got a hankering for some sex. With a dog.

But wait, it gets worse - In full of view of a day care center.

But wait it gets more worse - the dog was dead.

Wait! - still even more worserer - for four or five days.

The guy's been charged with "crimes against nature." Normally, Ex would complain that that law sounds pretty vague, but when the ExLawyer tries to imagine what a "crime against nature" might be, having sex with a rigor-mortified canine outside of a day care center does seem to fit the bill.

If you live in Bay City-Saginaw Metroplex and you are wondering if you need to lock up your pets now - breathe easier, the canine Casanova is being held on a $500,000 bond. One person Ex know won't be bailing him out- his girlfriend. It was her dog.

In case you doubt Ex, here's the link

Who Do You Root For In This One?

2006-09-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

A flunked out law student in Florida is suing his old school for admitting him in the first place. His claim is that they should have known he wouldn't make it through and not admitted him in the first place.

The ExLawyer doesn't know if this guy's right and the school was just trying to boost revenue by bringing in as many first years as they could.

The ExLawyer doesn't know if the school was justifiably trying to give incoming students a chance to prove themselves.

But the ExLawyer is pretty sure of one thing. I'll bet the flunkie isn't representing himself.

Read the whole story at http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=1157030383798

The Replacements Arrive September 8th

2006-08-28T02:13:00.000-07:00

For those of you wondering what has kept me so busy that I haven't been posting here, the answer is no, I am not selling my blood on Ebay again. I've been running a cartoon show for Disney that finally premieres on the Disney Channel, Friday September 8th.

Yes, I know you have a social life and you'll be out on a Friday night, so check it out the next morning on ABC.

Who Says Showbiz is Hard?

2006-03-26T03:54:00.000-08:00

"Lifelong work pays off, says Miley Cyrus, 13 "

So reads a headline in USA Today. Yeah, it's always good to see someone make it who's really paid their dues.

Ex

The French Finally Man Up - - About Golf?

2005-10-30T19:26:00.000-08:00

French golfer Jean Van de Velde will attempt to enter next year's Women's British Open because he is upset women may qualify for the 2006 British Open.

Makes sense to the Exlawyer's golfing buddies who claim that a french guy is the next closest thing to a chick.

Angelina Jolie Adopts Again! Thank God!

2005-07-19T01:49:00.000-07:00

Word on the street is that Jolie and current boy-thing Brad Pitt are adopting a child.

Whew! That was close.

Can you imagine if those two actually mated? Think how good looking that kid would be. You wouldn't even be able to look at the kid directly or you'd go blind. You'd probably have to put a little hole in a piece of cardboard and look at the kid like you do a solar eclipse.

"War of the Worlds? But there was only one world!"

2005-07-11T00:39:00.000-07:00

I went to see the new Spielberg epic with some artsy types who I suspect might have been looking to not like it. No one nitpicked as much as this post's title suggests, but one person said "Sure, a lot of people died, but I didn't get to know them so I didn't really care."

To which I replied, "Man, that really is Spielberg's weakness. I felt the same way about the Jews in Schindler's List."

Score one for the ExLawyer.

Scandal in Scandinavia

2005-04-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

STOCKHOLM (Reuters) - A Swedish lesbian couple who were thrown out of a Stockholm restaurant in 2003 for kissing won an appeal Monday against an earlier court ruling that cleared the restaurant owner of sexual discrimination.

The Court of Appeals in Stockholm ordered restaurant owner Aziz Cakir to pay 50,000 crowns ($7,100) in damages and to cover the legal costs of Sweden's ombudsman against sexual discrimination, HomO, which filed the appeal.

It's hard to say what is more amazing about this story; that the Swedish sexual discrimination ombudsman is actually called "Homo" or that a guy would not want to see two girls kissing. And they say the Swedes are sexually liberated? Poppycock!

California Adventure?

2005-03-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

Just made a trip to Disneyland and California Adventure with my friends Pam and Mike and their two kids, Leo and Wil. It was the sort of trip that makes one want to have kids one minute and get an emergency vasectomy the next.

Disneyland still holds up. Come on! It's mid-century amusement! Very chic! But California Adventure? It's at best - "Happyiest Place on Earth" adjacent. It's like many of the girls I've dated; three decent rides and no soul.

How Bad Did Those Cookies Suck?

2005-02-12T02:51:00.000-08:00

Two Colorado girls decided to do a good deed one Friday night. They baked cookies for their neighbors and left them on their doorsteps. One neighbor, an elderly lady, got all freaked out by the late night delivery of baked goods and got a case of the vapors or became apoplectic or whatever elderly ladies do. She sued the girls for compensation for her medical bills resulting from their hideous display of culinary kindness. AND SHE WON!

Two conclusions immediately come to mind.
1. The Judge in this case is a jackass.
2. Good thing the girls didn't bake a cake.

A Picture Share!

2005-01-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

I feel cranky.

RESOLUTIONS FOR 2005

2005-01-03T01:19:00.000-08:00

1. Start posting more.
2. Be funnier.
3. Don't delete this post when I fail to do #1 or #2.

Happy New Year

Aragorn lied! Orc's Died!

2004-10-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

Fellowship 9/11 on Ifilm.com asks the question - If Michael Moore covered the war against Mordor, would the Orcs be the favorites?

It's pretty funny. Of course the ExLawyer is biased. Ex was sort of involved in making it.

Check out the film directly at http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2651184

Or the official website www.fellowship911.com.

Eminem Finds his New Niche

2004-10-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

Just saw parts of the new Eminem video that mocks Michael Jackson and it occurred to me that Eminem has become the Weird Al of his generation. I was wondering who was going to pick up the baton when Weird Al decided to pack it in.

I can't wait for Polka Rap!

When in Rome...

2004-10-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

ROME (Reuters) - Making love in a bar lavatory does not breach public decency laws so long as the door is shut, an Italian court ruled on Tuesday.

And who do we have to thank for that decision? Trial lawyers! That's who! So think twice next time you want to blame us for society's ills. We do good stuff too, you know!

Sometimes I wish my name was Steve

2004-10-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well at least I did when I read this cool book, Steve's America. Okay, I have to admit the author is a buddy of mine but this is a cool, weird idea for a book. He traveled all over the U.S. looking for businesses that were named after Steves. Like Crazy Steve's Fireworks - no smoking please. (Apparently Steve isn't totally crazy.) Or Dr. Steve's Transmission Clinic. You'd think the guy dealt with contagious diseases. It turns out he works on cars! So if he asks you to turn your head and cough.... Run!!!

But I digress. Check it out at www.stevesamerica.com.

The Great Debate

2004-10-04T02:08:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering why Iraqi insurgents are fighting so vehemently to prevent democratic elections and then I watched the first Presidential debate and I got an inkling of what it was they were trying to avoid.

Assault Weapons Make A Comeback!

2004-09-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

Great news! President Bush's refusal to extend the ban on assault weapons means the perennially under-armed American Hunter now will have a fighting chance against the deer, rabbits, gamebirds and other vicious wild killers that prowl our countryside.

No longer limited to clips of 10 rounds or less, the AK-47, with its 40 round clip will once again become the weapon of choice for our boys in orange camos all across rural America. Having 40 rounds locked and loaded means peace of mind... just in case the deer have you surrounded.

Venison through superior firepower!

Springsteen Gives Bush 10th Avenue Freeze Out.

2004-08-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

The Boss comes out against Bush! When Springsteen tells our sitting President that a tramp like him is not born to run for re-election, its time for George to hire Halliburton (on a no bid contract) to start packing up all his shit that's laying around the White House. He's done.

Product Liability Lawyers Please Read

2004-07-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

What is the deal with the "Cheesebraut?" It seems like a good idea. Put cheese in a braut. But no one tells you that the cheese is going to erupt out of it as you bite down like lava from some sort of sausage volcano. Cheese that is the consistency and temperature of magma from the molten core of the earth itself. We need to get some lawyers on this right away. Forget those violent video game lawsuits and get on something meaningful. Bring the cheesebraut industry to its knees! How many mouths need to be scalded before we act?

Good news from Saudi Arabia?

2004-06-15T01:15:00.000-07:00

Al-Qaeda kidnapped another American civilian this week. A statement purporting to be from the terrorists threatened to treat the abducted American as US troops treated Iraqi prisoners. Is that supposed to scare us? They're going to treat him like we treat Iraqi prisoners? In other words, they're threatening not to murder him in cold blood like they did Nick Berg? And then what? Torture him by stripping him naked and having a girl fondle his privates? Those animals!

Shameless plug.

2004-06-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

My friend Kim from Canada has come up with a truly funny and useful product for the ladies. Now I know what you are saying. "Funny?" "Useful?" "Canadian?" How can those three words be in one sentence? Just trust me. Go take a look.

www.safetygirl.com